Rant for Life

Ahh

Thu, 15 May 2008 02:52:04 GMT

I have said what I needed to. What i have been holding back for quite some time.
I have said it, and all is good.
I am free.
Ahh...
Chains are broken ,
(at least in this aspect)

what i should have said , and Boys suck part 2

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:06:40 GMT

I am an idiot. I mess up. I live my life the worng way. I let people walk all over me, again and again. It hurts everytime. But i keep on going back. I am the stupid one. I let them.
What is wrong withme?
Why can't i say what i mean to?
Why can't I say what i need to?
Why do i take it from him?
why dp i let myself be subject to all his ass like behavior?
Why am i always the idiot?
Do i deserve this?
What did i do?
Why can't i tell him, that it hurts?
why can't i make him see it the way i do?
Why can't i be the strong person i am meant to be?
why do i let him cripple me?
take my words away from me?
why? why ? why?
How long will i take it?
How long till i break down?
How many more times will i have to feel this way?
How much more will he put me through?
How many times can i wait for him?
How many times will i try to erase my feelings?
Will i ever succeed?
I am the idiot.
i am always the idiot
I will always and forever be
the stpid one.
Forever and for always. the idiot.
its my fault
i let them,

Speaks for itself

Mon, 05 May 2008 00:42:40 GMT

BOYS SUCK!!!!!!!

The Hunt is on

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:58:06 GMT

Ok so I am going to college in the fall and I really need some money. I have decided that the best way to make money is to get a job. Now here is the problem. I wishg i could find an awesome job that pays an equally as awesome salary, but unfortunatlly, i have not come across that kind of job. I do not think that jobs like that esist for high school students.
So now I am stuck. What do I want to do? I can work in a clothing store, but it doesnt really appeal to me all that much. I can work in a Book store, whihc sounds kind of cool but it might turn out to be kind of boring. I would really like to work in a music store, but thanks to itunes and illegal internet downloads, music stores have been put out of business. I have a dilema, i need a job, i need money. How will i get some money ? Well i think that i am going to have to make some sacrifices. I will have to suck it up and just pick a job, even if it is not so glamorous. Who know maybe it will teach me something about life? Maybe a very valuable lesson like, work sucks but we gotta do it! who knows?

phew

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:58:24 GMT

well for about this entire school year i have been going back and forth of where i wanted to be next year. I had a choice of four colleges and, truthfully, none of them really grabbed me. I found problems with all of them.
Then I decided that i had to just pick, there had to be one that would be good for me and i would find it.
Lucky for me, i think that i found it. As of today i am registered for college. I am very relieved but i am shaking in my boots, well if i was wearing boots.
I have never been away from home for more than a week and now i am going of to college, it is only three-four hours away but still. i always thought i would end up living at home for the first year at least. But as time grew on i realized that my home town had nothing for me. And the schools within an hour from where i live are not where i want to be. So i have no choice but to leave. I hope, and pray to god, that this works out. That i am happy, and as time wears on i hope i get less and less afraid to jump into the real world, although i believe that it is highly unlikely, i will probably get more scared. But i guess only time will tell. At least i am not killing myself over making a decision. I am done with the decisions for now and that is just the way i like it.

Writer's Block: Back in Time

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:26:17 GMT

If you could travel in time, which era would you visit and why?

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I have to say that i would go back to the hippie era, like the 60's. I wish that i wasborn at that time. I love how everything was about peace, love and happiness, everything just seems that it was so calm and relaxing. I feel liek everything was simpler back then. And i have to say that i dig the hippie style, if i could, i would love to dress like a hippie every single day of my life.
I know for sure, that if i could go back in time, it would be to the time where hippies romed the world.

Help!!

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:57:26 GMT

Hey Guys,
I am in need of some help. I am wondering if anyone knows of a way that i can have an inernship with a blog site?Like they give me an assignment or somethign and I write a blog for it/ on it?
If you do not understand what I am saying, let me know and i will elaborate.
But basically I am in great need of an internship and an online one would be great, and i love blogging.
So if any of you know anything, please let me know.
Thanks so much.

Peace and Love.

Insanity

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:58:36 GMT

Ok so at this point I am going insane.
Let me take you back to sunday night.
So i get home from a fun day, and I sign online.
As I typing in my password, i am still trying to decide if signing on is a good idea or not.
Well either way, i hit enter and ,my computer speaks to me, "welcome, you have mail." I click on the read button, nothing important in my inbox.
I surf through the internet, boring site after boring site.
Then i hear a sound and realize that my ex boyfriend has just signed online.
I am bored, and curious because i had just hung out with him the night before.
I think to myself "what the heck?" I click on his screen name and send him a friendly IM, i believe i typed "Hey", sounds about right.
Well we get to talking, I tell him about my day in the city etc, etc, etc....
Well then he tells me that one of my friends is cute and asks if she is single. Well i am thinking that this is pretty normal for him, I humor him by answering "yeah she is, would you like me to hook you up?" He then answers "yeah but not with her lol." Well i know where this is heading and decide to tag along for the ride, even though it might leave me in annoyance,curiousity, confusion, anything along those lines. I continue.." Shall i find you someone else?" He then answers, like i knew he woould, " I was thinking more like you." Wowser, did he just say that? i am shocked, but only halfway, he tends to joke around. But it was not over.
then he continued to say " what do you think?" I said(by the way everytime i type "said" i mean typed, got it? good.)"Well I am confused." He added to my confusion and said " I do not want your friend I want you." ________________(that space symbolizes my complete and utter silence, and shock. Well the convo went on slowly, and i can not recall all the details, but he confirmed what he aid twice , and i was still confused.
Well he wanted a response, i assured him that i had absolutely no idea what to say, and he said "ok i was just throwing it out there."
The convo ended and these past few days i have been more confused then ever.
he did not ask me if i wanted him too, he did not ask me anything really. I am still trying to figure out if he was serious. We have not spoken about it since, and i do not want to bring it up again. Where is he going with this? Am i supposed to just sit and wait for him to bring it up. Worse maybe he thinks that i hate him, and now he feels liek an ass for saying what he did because i did not express the same feelings. Truth is i have no idea what i am feeling, so there is no way i could have expressed anything, but in the mind of boys, who know? i certainly don't.
This is one of those times, that comes around all to often, where i can not give myself advice. I am always the one people go to for advice, I usually come up with something great to help them out, and when it comes to myself, i got nothing.
Well so thats lovely, what now?
Now i am confused, wondering, anxious, and still sitting waiting. Hmm, is this how this is supposed to go?
I wish i knew how i felt, if i did i think this would be a lot easier.
Do i want him back? Sure I miss him, but if i let him back in and it doesnt work out again i will have to go through getting over him all over again. Hmph.
I am lost.
So i guess the only thing i can do is hope my head clears up soon, real soon.
Why always me?
How do i get into these situations?
Funny things happen in this world,
i wonder what the master plan is.

Writer's Block: The Perfect Crime

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:55:02 GMT

What was the last thing you "got away with?"

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Ha
well I think that this question came up at just the right time.
Well I pretyt much always do what I am told, but occasionally a little white lie or two slips in there.
Well this past weekend, I asked my mother if i could have the car to go to starbucks and hang out with some people, she said sure but you can only go to starbucks and then come home.
Well I went to Starbucks but I, first, picked up my freind and then after starbucks i did not go straight home. I went to the bowling alley to hang out and then after a while, way after starbucks closingi came home.
But that is not all, the next day i told my mother that i was going into the city just to shop, hang out and stuff. Well, my friend and I went to the Museum of Sex. I do not think my parents would be happy if i told them that, so i am not planning on it,, they think i just hung out and stuff.
I got away scott free,
They do not even suspect a thing,
Great for me!!

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:19:06 GMT

Repulsive,
the way he's standing there
His egotistical self
and all to eager manner
his swagger

standing there
just look at him
the smirk across his face
the demeanor put forth
the shameful array

Condemn
his little smile
glare gleaming through his eyes
eyes that gnaw at you
from afar rip you apart

wanting
closes in upon you
won't move
waiting for a- never gonna happen- glance
thinks he knows,

o
still standing there
still fixed upon you
the feelings back
just look at him

what does he know
think he'll make me shy away
or make me come and dance
he doesn't know
I'm standing just the same

Status: Loosing It!!!

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 02:24:57 GMT

Okay people I am officially loosing it.
I am completely lost and out of my mind.
I have small hands and to much is in them.
I have to:
1)find an internship in the next, hmm let's see, 4 days? 5 days?
2)Map out my future, which includes plans for next year, which i am not to keen on making right now.

Right now i know nothing, i am so confused my mind is more jumbled than a contortionist on a ferris wheel(picture it). I do not like making decisions and i have come to a point in my life where i have to make some pretty big ones, and i am lost.
I do not know how i am going to pull this off.
I feel like locking myself up in my room and waiting for peter pan to sneak in and whisk me off to Never Never Land so i never have to grow up , never have to make tough decisions, never have to worry about failing, and never be in this sort of predicament again.
But unlucky for me, i am not a dreamer. I know that no green tights wearing Peter Pan is going to jump through my window and make his little fairy sprinkle her magical dust on me to make me fly to Never Never Land so i never have to face my problems.
The only way I am getting to such a place is in my head with a little help from Mr.LSD.
So I am stuck.
Yup glued down.
I cant move foward because i am incapable of making a decesion and incapable of controlling my own life.
Im young, naive, how can this be left up to me? If i screw up it will be my fault. Am i ready for that /
I think not.
so maybe i will just sit here and sulk.
I will shut my eyes really tightly and pray that when i wake up i am 6 months into the future and my decision is made.
I know it won' t happen.
I know i will have to face my fears.
I know that i will have to choose.
I know that it is up to me and only me .
I know also this , true, but a girl can try can't she?
Or maybe not.

Moving to a place away from all humanity to become a hermit

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 00:24:12 GMT

I wanna run away
escape the place in my life where i am right now
nothing seems tog o my way
everything goes wrong
i want up i go down
I wanna blink and when my eyes open i want to be living a different life
a better one
It is just one of those times one of those days where i can not stand to be around people
every movement they make bothers me every word that escapes from their lips annoys me.
What do i do?
what can i do?
I feel the tears of fustration running down my cheeks
I feel the nerves running throuhg my body
every inch of me wants to move
what do i do?
what can i do?
i want to get up walk away, leave all the bad behind
i want it to just STOP!
what can i do ?
what do i do?
IM searching
waiting
for an answer
and all i find
all i ever find
is.....nothing

icon shmicon

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:03:20 GMT

Surfing the web i see a million different sites containing the words "Create you own." Like The-n.com create your own avatar, Zwinky, create your own zwinky. I have noticed that all sites are mass populated because people love to escape themselves,be somebody else. They can create and online icon and personality just by clicking a few buttons, and they can make it the complete opposit of what they really are.
Me being my curios self decided to venture into one of these sites. I chose The-N.com.
I created a username and password and logged in. I brushed my arrow over the page until i found the box that said "create your own avatar" and i clicked on it.
I started out creating someone who was the complete opposit of me, and then i decided why? why should i create a one dimensional pixel person that is completely different from myself? If i wanted to be the preppy girl, who never lets go of her chanel glasses and her tennis racket, i could be that girl. But i choose not to be. Therefore, i have no interest in creating a character that would serve as an alternate to my own personal style and personality. I have the power to change myself in the real world, as does everyone else, so then why should i in a fake online world. I do not see the reason. I decided to make my pixel person exactly like me.
Sure, it is fun to dress up or be someone else for a little, but in the end you need to realize that you need to be happy as yourself and if you are not then you need to try to change.
I think it is sad that these "create you own" sites are so popular now. Learn to be happy, be yourself, express yourself, in your world not in someone else's.
Do not let the pixel person be a substitute for who you are. Do not let the one dimensional character become you.

Writer's Block: Eliot Spitzer's Resignation

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:27:25 GMT

Do you think that Gov. Eliot Spitzer did the right thing by resigning his post due to his involvement with a prostitution ring?

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Well this goes back to the ongoing argument. Should we base our views of a politician based on his personal affairs? should we even care about his personal life? or is it all about his policies and how he acts as a politician?
well i belive that we need some one that people could look up to.Politicians are in the public eye, the children are all lookign at them as the leaders of their entire universe. Now let me ask you somehting, do you want the children lookign up to ap erson who blows tons of money on prostitues? or cheats on his wife with his secretary? I know that if i had children i would not want them to see that.
I think that it was good that he resigned. he knows that what he did was wrong. I think that a part of his resignation had to do with he knew that he did somehtign wrong, and if he thought he was perfectly in the right he would have remained in office. I think that the other part of it is that he wanted to leave with his pride in tact, he leaves before they make him leave, the guy is not stupid. Only stupid for thinking that he would never get caught.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:20:28 GMT

Ok so today, let me fix that, this week has been pretty uneventful. I have done almost nothing productive and accomplished close to nothing.
I have this feeling. I feel like i am floating through life. Ever get that feeling?
I can not really explain it but it feels like i am just floating, not really attentive not really doing anything, just floating.
Its funny, I am the type of person who is always busy, always running around, always carrying the world on my shoulders. I have a lot of stress and things to do but for some reason i do not really feel that i am actually living life. I feel like i am stuck in some sort of middle ground and i am just waiting it out, waiting until its over. It might sound weird, i know it sounds weird to me.
I am having trouble putting my finger exactly on what i am feeling these days.
Maybe i will get a clue one of these days.
hmmmm
who knows/??

"Music is My Boyfriend"

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 02:59:13 GMT

Now I can not speak for anyone else but I think that life would not exist without music. I know that i would not be able to live without music. It cheers me up when i am down and it makes me think about things. About love about life. It comforts.
Music to me is like being on an acid trip but without any acid. I see the world differently everything is vibrant and alive. My dreams pop out of my mind and jump up right before my eyes.
Music shows helps me explain things, helps me define myself and define those around me.
I Have been listening to WonderWall by Oasis for the past week or so, every chance i get i turn it on and play it again and again. I can not help it. Once i get into a song i will listen to it again and again. That song is about love, and it makes me happy and sad. It makes me want to find someone who will "save me" who will "love me" i want someone to be "my Wonderwall" But it makes me optimistic that one day i will have someone who is all those things.
I love to sit back and let the music take control of me.
I am the passenger and music is the driver of the car of life of me (preferably a hybrid).
I can not wait to see where the music takes me and what the music shows me.
Who knows maybe my alternate reality made by music will some day become my reality. My world. The real world.
Its a realm of possibility

How much longer?

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 01:36:44 GMT

You try and you try and you wish and you hope and you think that whatever it is you were wishing for is going to come true, you will wake up the next day and you dreams will be your reality. It feels so close, but you never get it. Each day you hold on, you graps your hands tightly around the little flicker of optimism left in you and you pray that what you get what you want. But each time, it fails, you never get it. Why do you keep going? Why keep asking? Why keeping wishing? Why keep hoping? Why be optomistic? Why?
As you watch the people around you who seem to be floating, seem to be so happy, seem to get everything they want, you wonder ' what can't that be me? Why can't i be happy and carefree?"
Why is it that some people are doomed to a certain fate and as much as they think it will change and tey to belive that it will change, they know it won't. They know it, why not except it? Why?
How much can a person take?
How much can a person take before they brake?
How much can you handle?
How much until salvation?
How much until they realize that salvation will not come?
How much time?
How many minutes?
How many seconds?
How many tears?
How many wishes?
How many prayers?
How can you deal?
How can you expect to live like this, forever possibly?
How many? How much? ............
..........WHY?

Just One

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 03:46:06 GMT

Hmm i have a new way for the world to go in.
Boys only have one girl, one girl they want to be with, only one girl they want to look at only pone girl they want to talk to.
There is only one girl for every guy.
Boys would never stray away, never cheat, never turn from their girl's face.
The only place they would find comfort is in the eyes of that one girl.
can you imagine such a world?
A world so different from our own, so different from everything we know.
Can you imagine the one person you long for only has eyes for you? Only has feelings for you?
And it will never change.
It will remain like that forever and ever.
One problem.
Do you want it?
The only thing you want to happen can turn out to be the very thing that drives you crazy.
Only one boy for each girl,only one, just one.
Think about it.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:49:04 GMT

the one thing you want is just beyond your grasp
What you once had, you let go, and now you are no sure if that was right
if you want it back.
You reach for something, you grab it, it just slips through you fingers.
You are wondering, what it is that you truly want.
Will you ever be able to accept not having it?
Will you ever get it?
Are you doomed ot be separated from that one thing forever?
You don't know
you just don't know
So you keep on wondering
keep on wishing
keep on hoping
... just keep on living....

Enough is Enough

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 04:02:20 GMT

The constant pulling on your shirt,
The constant nagging,
The questions, all the questions, being shot at you like bullets from a machine gun.
"What are you doing? Where are you?"
The only thing worse is the " shame on you" demeanor , like mother with the carrot peeler.
" O my god how could you do that?"
Well o my god none of you freaking business.
Like hello! Do I look like I want you talking to me? Let alone telling me what to do?
The answer to that is no! A big fat gigantic NO!!!
Why do these annoyances just pop up in our lives, you want to tell them to bug off, but you can't, like a little pimple you do not have enough courage to pop.
You just want to make it go away.
You pull at you hair in frustration while a voice inside you screams "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
To bad only you can hear it.
You have had enough.
You need to stop it before your lose your mind.
You are angry now, smoke is flowing from your ears.
"Would you just SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!" you scream. And then walk away with a smile on your face.
silence.

Pulling Teeth

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:13:24 GMT

As he talks he stumbles over his words. He has somethign to say but he won't let it out.
He has a secret. He longs to tell that secret to the one person who it would matter to, but he hasn't got the courage.
He is ready to exlpode, he needs to let it all out, this thing that has the capability of changing his world.
He pulls at his hair, he is loosing it.
He needs to speak the words he needs to find the bravery.
He goes over the scenario in his head over and over again.
Will it help him? Or will it hurt him?
What can he do? Go on living like this, in dispair?
The secret is the monster inside him it eats at his emotions. But the idea of letting it out taunts him.
He can not go on like this, it will not work.
He walks up to the one person he cares to tell,
His lips part, but the words have escaped him. He is helpless.
Suddenly the courage comes to him.....he begins to speak.
"I................."
The rest......is a secret.

Today

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:24:01 GMT

so today happened to be a pretty uneventful day.
But not enough to drive you totally insane.
I did nothing and some how am managing to remain calm, its a new feeling for me.
I think knowing that i have monday off makes it better.
I hate the feeling of just sitting.
I feel as though time is slipping away and i am doing nothing to try to make the best of it.
I want to use every second, i want to accomplish something every minute.
Sometimes, i guess, i just can't.
What can i do?

Blah Blah Blah

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:34:01 GMT

I am sitting in my room staring at the cursor on my microsoft word page blinking, i need to write, something anything, i need ot get this out.
Am I heading in the right direction?
Will my dreams ever come true?
Am I destined to be a failure?
I want to write it all down, i want to save my every thought.
I want to record every last thought and emotion.
But can I? Do i have the power? the strength? the time?
My cursor is still blinking and my hands stay at my sides.
I need to write what I am feeling. I need to write where i want to be. I need to make plans and charts and create my future.
I can't. i can't do it.
The only way i know is with words, and all my words have seemed to escape me.
I touch my hands to the keyboard and I begin to type " I am me, and i wish that i could change it."
I contemplate erasing it.
it is not all true.
I wish that i could be me without being me.
I would like to be me in a different life a better life.
There are certain things i want, i need that i do not have now, maybe in a different life i would.
Maybe in a different life I would have love, confidence, talent, maybe just maybe.
I need a change. Why can't things be different. Why can't things change, change now. A new tomorrow. why am i stuck here, why can't i be the person i always wanted to be, will i ever be that person?
I hit delete and the words disappear.
I sit in silence, i hit the keys W-H-Y-?, and walk away.

Writer's Block: Love Is...

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:22:24 GMT

Who or what do you really love?

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What do i really love, eh?
Well I love my family
I love my friends
I love the way the world keeps going and spinning on its axis without the efforts of anyone
I love how i can wear black and someone else can wear pink
I love that i am free to be free
I love when my mind wonders
I love to write
I love feeling accomplished

.............I love

Writer's Block: Hard to Say I'm Sorry

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 17:23:14 GMT

Is there anything you've done that you wish you'd apologized for, but didn't?

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Hmm That is a tough one. I usually try not to do things that I would need to apologize for. I try no tobe nasty or mean to people. I can not remember any moments now but I am sure that i have said something mean to someone or about someone and wished that could take it back.
There are times where my friends are talkign about people, and even if I am just the one listening and not actually the one talking I still feel bad. I feel like going up to the person who was being spoken about and telling them I am sorry for listening, I am sorry for not sticking up for them. I wish i had the guts to do it, I always want to do it, but I never do.
Maybe, after writing this, I will.